5 Key Steps For Raising Assertive Kids

If you want to raise strong and confident kids, teaching assertiveness is key. Assertive children know how to stand up for themselves (and others) without being hurtful or mean. They can say “no,” communicate clearly, and maintain positive relationships that meet their own needs as well as those of others.

Few of us are born assertive, and the fear of seeming rude or selfish can prevent us from advocating for ourselves. Fortunately, with practice, we can help kids master this powerful ability, and gain the many benefits associated with assertive communication.

With practice, we can help kids master this powerful ability, and gain the many benefits associated with assertive communication.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our FREE What Does It Mean to Be Assertive printable! If we want to raise strong and confident kids, teaching assertiveness is key! Assertive children know how to stand up for themselves (and others) without being hurtful or mean.

1. Talk About It

Tell kids there are 3 basic styles of communication. Each time we speak or interact with other people, we choose one of these methods: passive, aggressive, or assertive. 

We can figure out our communication style by looking for clues in our words and actions:

Also:

• Praise kids for using their assertive or “owl” communication when handling a tricky situation (“I like how you spoke up!”)
• Read “The Mouse, the Monster, and Me: Assertiveness For Young People” by Pat Palmer
• Point out passive, aggressive, and assertive behavior in their favorite movies and TV shows (Officer Judy Hopps in Zootopia or Frozen’s Anna are great examples of assertiveness). Note how the characters around them react to each type

Finally, think of communication as a spectrum, with passivity at one end and aggression at the other--assertiveness is the “sweet spot” in between. Remind kids that regardless of which style they currently use the most, they can learn to be assertive!

2. Define Boundaries

Discuss how there are boundaries in the world, or lines that should not be crossed. These exist on a physical level, like stop signs or even “personal bubbles” (the space around our bodies) as well as emotional boundaries (things that hurt our feelings). 

One way to respect these boundaries is by discussing the power of “no.” Whether it’s an unwanted hug from grandma or a bossy friend on the playground, kids need to hear that assertively saying no is not only acceptable--it’s their right.  

Consider these ideas:

• Explain that setting boundaries (saying “no,” “stop” or “I don’t like that”) keeps our bodies and minds safe and healthy
• Support kids in saying “no” over negotiable issues (not wanting to wear certain clothing, hug someone or read a particular book are good places to start)
• Read “Listening to My Body” by Gabi Garcia to stay connected to the important sensations and emotional cues our bodies send us

The Big Life Journal 2nd Edition (ages 7-10) is a great starting point to help children develop strong Social-Emotional Learning (SEL) and growth mindset skills. Through inspiring stories, colorful illustrations, and engaging guided activities, your child can discover how to believe in themselves, how to face challenges with confidence, and more!

Assertive communication means considering the needs of others, but never at our own expense. I often say to my daughter, “If it’s not kind to you, then it’s not kind at all.” 

3. Teach “I” Messages

Of all the conflict resolution strategies that exist, the “I” message is my all-time favorite. It’s easy to use and resolves problems like no other.

Here’s the simple formula: “I feel (insert feeling) when you (insert behavior). I would like you to (insert request).”

When my daughter experienced a situation at the playground (other girls said she couldn’t play with them), we practiced my suggestion:

“I feel angry when you tell me I can’t play. I would like you to let me join in.

Then my daughter came up with her own:

“I feel hurt when you leave me out. I’d like you to stop saying I can’t play.”

Know that “I” messages work because they are non-judgmental. They neither blame nor criticize and keep the listener from feeling attacked or defensive.

You might also try:

• Practicing similar assertive phrases: ”I need more space”/”I don’t like it when…,”/”I think…”
• Using a mirror to practice (check for eye contact and confident posture)
• Sharing the positive impact of “I” messages: “I loved how you used that ‘I’ message to tell me what you wanted. It made me feel like I wanted to help you.”

If you need some tips on how to encourage your child to be assertive, don't forget to download the FREE What Does It Mean to Be Assertive? printable today!

4. Build Friendship Skills

Assertiveness skills are not just necessary for dealing with the playground bully. It’s often our closest friendships that require making our needs and feelings known.

Start by talking with your child about the qualities she wants in a friend. What kinds of things make a good friend? How do friends act? 

Share the characteristics YOU look for, and be sure to say that you work hard to be the kind of friend you want.

Next, discuss how friendship conflicts are normal sometimes and are actually opportunities to grow your assertiveness skills. Identify some common sources of disagreement, and make a list together. This might include:

• Not enjoying the same activities at recess
• Feeling left out when your friend plays or talks to someone else
• A friend who brags frequently
• Being excluded from a birthday party

Try to identify 1-2 solutions for each of these scenarios, and role-play how to handle them (using an ‘I’ message is a great start). While a “perfect friendship” does not exist, all relationships benefit from the openness and honesty that assertiveness allows.

5. Model Confidence

We know that kids watch what we do more than what we say. If we hope to raise confident kids, it’s crucial to communicate assertively in our own lives. Not always the easiest thing!

You might start by:

• Speaking up when you need to, and letting your child see you say (and stick to) “no” 
• Discussing how assertiveness is difficult for you, and how you overcome it by practicing  
• Using a calm, confident voice when stating your views
• Praise (and even reward) yourself when you do well

Another way to model assertiveness is through active listening. During a conflict, simply restate what the other person has said before you respond. This is especially impactful when the disagreement is with your child: “You’re saying ‘no’ to the blue dress today. I hear you” or “You really want to watch the fireworks. It seems like the other kids all get to stay up late.”

Assertiveness takes practice for all of us. But modeling assertive communication allows both us and our kiddos to reap its powerful benefits, including confidence, high self-esteem, and positive relationships.

If you're looking for additional resources to support your child's journey, check out our How to Transform Your Child’s Negative Self-Talk Into Self-Love. This one-of-a-kind masterclass for parents is where you'll learn why your child has negative self-talk and effective practices to help them turn it into self-love. This is the ONLY negative self-talk masterclass for parents approved by psychologists.